Whirlaway
by Sussie
Summary: Another void and another depression for Kathryn but this time Chakotay may not be the perfect solution … or will he?


Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything, except what I made up myself ...  
  
Rated: PG  
  
Summary: Another void and another depression for Kathryn but this time Chakotay may not be the perfect solution ... or will he?  
  
Author's note: This story was written for the contest "Triple Crown", where you had to write a story with the story name being the same as a horse who had participated in at least one of the three horse races making up Triple Crown. I chose the horse Whirlaway, who won the Triple Crown in 1941.  
  
Also, as of yet, this story is unbetaed, so please have some patience with possible grammar faults, misspellings etc ...  
  
Feedback: Please do! But please no flaming, I don't learn that way, constructive criticisms tough are very welcome!  
  
My e-mail address: inlove_withstars@yahoo.se  
  
Now I wish you a happy reading!  
  
WHIRLAWAY by Sussie  
  
Black, black, black, that was all it was to it. No stars, no planets, nothing at all, not even a damn Borg cube to fill her day with and here she was again, practically turning over command to Chakotay while she retired to her quarters, doing nothing, just like the last time. It had been four days since the last time she had reported to duty and those days she had only spent an hour or two working, lounging away the other hours, thinking over past decisions and actions ...  
  
Like putting her first officer and the love of her life at arms length and in that sacrificing her happiness. She shifted uncomfortably and sighed at the thought, was she destined to be without love and happiness?  
  
She had thought there where a lot of good reasons for it, at least she *had* thought they where good ones, but she wasn't so sure of it anymore. The words protocol and regulations carried a lot of reasons. As a Captain she was expected to maintain a professional distance to her crew and that distance certainly did not permit a romantic involvement with her first officer.  
  
But she had read and re read all of the regulations and protocols concerning a relationship between crewmembers on a ship and no she hadn't been able to find any that said that a relationship between a ship's Captain and first officer was prohibited. Sure a relationship wasn't really encouraged but it wasn't discouraged either, not on paper at least ...  
  
But there where her own reasons, her believe that a romance with Chakotay would disrupt her determination to get home and that she would in that case fail her crew and not follow her promise to get them home.  
  
And what would happen if she was faced with the prospect of having to assign one crewmember to a mission meaning certain death and knowing Chakotay was the best man for the job? Would she really pick him or would her love for him then blind her and choose someone else and in that failing her duty as a Captain and as a Starfleet officer?  
  
But after some time, going through all scenarios imaginable she had finally decided that she didn't think these issues where to become a problem. She had been faced with many similar situations through out her whole career and not to mention all her way through the Delta Quadrant and every time she had done the right thing, she been the officer before the lover or friend or whatever the situation had been.  
  
So it was just for her to throw herself into his waiting arms then, right? Unfortunately it wasn't that simple, there where one reason left and she doubted she would ever overcome it without Chakotay's help.  
  
Her fear ...  
  
*******  
  
Chakotay walked through the corridors of the U.S.S Voyager, wondering how the hell this crew would manage to survive yet another fourteen or fifteen months left in this void, last time they had been lucky enough getting a shortcut but this time nothing indicated they would get that rescue again.  
  
And to be honest, he wasn't very worried about the crew; no they seemed to fairing far better than expected. His main concern where focused on their leader who had isolated herself almost completely from her crew in a matter of two months. It had been a whole month since she had last reported for duty.  
  
And before that she had rarely been seen outside her two sanctuaries, her Ready room and her quarters but at least then it had been possible to talk to her, now the only answers he got when he talked to her was single words or separate sentences and he feared that if she went deeper, he would finally only get silence as answers.  
  
He took left and started go down the corridor which led to her quarters and wondered how he would solve his new founded task.  
  
He had promised himself that he would never let her do this again at all, but since he had failed on that point he would have to take her out of her depression instead of stopping her from getting there in the first place. He pressed her door chime and after five or six minutes he was finally let in by her voice.  
  
He stepped through her doors and stopped for a minute to let his eyes become accustomed to the darkness that resided in her quarters at all time now.  
  
He didn't know what was troubling her but he was fairly certain it was something personal and nothing to do with her duty. Suddenly the name of a horse an old friend of his had told him about. Whirlaway, he thought, that was sure to be Kathryn's middle name.  
  
Finally after some time of thinking he went closer to her at the window and started talking. "Kathryn, I have made this wonderful program and would want nothing more to have you accompany me to it" he said enthusiastically, it wasn't like he expected a positive answer, but still you where permitted to try, right?  
  
"No, thank you, I've got a headache, another time maybe" Chakotay sighed at the too calm reply for his taste. He had to get a response out of her, anything but those calm replies to everything. "Then we'll go to sickbay, Kathryn, it's not good to sit and have a headache" he said and turned her around with his arm and coerced her to the door.  
  
"I don't need the Doctor, it's not that bad" Kathryn spit out and broke free of Chakotay's tight grip of her. Chakotay smiled inwards, it looked like he had her attention now at least.  
  
"I just want to take care of you, because whether you want to admit it or not, you need it, I promise you, even Starfleet Captains needs a hug once in a while" he said; soften his voice a little, knowing he had caught her attention.  
  
Oh, Chakotay, you've no idea how much I just want to throw myself into your arms and never leave, but I'm so scared, Kathryn thought, desperately wanting her inner fear to subside to nothing. How could she make him aware of it, so he could make it disappear? Because she knew he could do that, but to do that he had to know it was there, which he didn't ...  
  
"Kathryn, please come with me to the holodeck" Chakotay said and stood up, extending his hand to her. Kathryn looked warily at the hand and finally after some reluctance she took it and followed Chakotay out of the door.  
  
*******  
  
The first thing Kathryn saw when she entered the holodeck was a big and brightly coloured meadow on a hill and when she walked onto it, she could see how a magnificent ocean spread out, all the way to the horizon. And the sky above in its turn was a mix between purple, pink, yellow and blue. The sun was just about to go down and it created the always striking show of colour, making it breath taking.  
  
She smelled the scent of all the flowers all over the meadow and took a deep breath to take in more of it. Suddenly she felt the wind against her cheek and she closed her eyes shut when she noticed the sand in the air. When the wind had decreased she opened her eyes again and took another two or three steps forward and now she saw the beautiful beach, it was white as a cloud on a clear day and the sand where in curves on the mark, it was very inviting to sit down and enjoy the sun and sound of the waves in the ocean.  
  
She sighed contently and really wished she could just do that, sit down and forget about all her problems. Because right now she felt good, this was just her and her friend Chakotay enjoying a silent moment. If it only could stay that way, she thought. Why did she have to fall in love with the man she couldn't get? By her own fear no less.  
  
Chakotay studied Kathryn as she took in the program he had done, just for her. He saw how she relaxed and how she could forget about the life outside the doors of the holodeck for just a minute. Finally after what seemed like an eternity but definitely not to long for Chakotay he heard Kathryn speak.  
  
"Chakotay, this is all very beautiful, thank you for sharing" Kathryn said and Chakotay could hear in her voice that his job wasn't finished in no way; she was already getting back in her Captain's mode and Kathryn going in hide beneath the mask.  
  
"It is, isn't it? But you haven't seen everything, yet" Chakotay said and he walked up to her and laid an arm around her waist, guiding her to look in the direction where the forest where resting. "Look, do you see them?" Chakotay asked and pointed at the five dark "dots", near the edge of the forest.  
  
Kathryn looked at them strangely, what the hell was that? It looked like small dots going around. She looked up at Chakotay's face, confused, what was this supposed to mean? "What is it?" she asked, the scientist in her showing a little, always needing to know everything, Chakotay smiled slightly, it was good to know, that Kathryn wasn't lost fully to him and the crew.  
  
"It's horses, I saw them on earth once and I was captured. I especially like the thoroughbred." Chakotay explained as they walked closer to the animals. "Have you ever seen a horse-race, Kathryn?"  
  
"No, I haven't, although I have seen horses and have ridden a couple of times in my life"  
  
Chakotay put up a hand stopping her from going on. "Don't tell me? Another thing your parents forced you to do?" he smiled at her.  
  
Kathryn laughed out and nodded. "Well, yes you could say that, although this was one of few things I actually enjoyed a little." She didn't tell him, that while it had been fun she had been scared to death by them. Chakotay looked down at his best friend and smiled, happy that she was at least enjoying herself somewhat, even if she still needed to sort out whatever what was troubling her.  
  
"Come here, Kathryn" he said and took her with him and went closer to the horses, he stopped just beside a bay coloured horse and started to stroke the horse, gently on its neck. "How long ago since you last rode?" he asked, continuing to stroke the horse, which seemed to enjoy the attention. Kathryn looked at the great creature that was at least ten centimetres bigger than her in height, not including the head.  
  
She took a step back a little scared when the horse suddenly lifted his head and took a step closer to Chakotay and in that way a step closer to her. She must have tripped on something, or it was just an unsteady step backward because before she knew it she was sitting on her backside.  
  
Chakotay must have heard her grunting in pain, despite that the ground was mostly soft, because he span around before she even could get her bearings again. "Kathryn, are you all right?" Kathryn smiled slightly and nodded as she tried to get up, keeping a watchful eye on the horse standing beside Chakotay, its head now dangerously near her.  
  
"I'm fine ..." she started to assure him but trailed off when she saw how close the horse come when she stood up she opted for sitting down. She looked warily at the horse, hoping Chakotay somehow would notice her discomfort and delete the horses or something.  
  
Chakotay noticed her unease and suddenly understood her problem. Without trying to laugh too much, he managed to shoo away the horse and sat down beside Kathryn, who was starring at him with one of her death glares.  
  
"And what do you find so funny, mister?" Kathryn said, trying to sound like she was addressing the Borg queen and in that way hide her embarrassment. Chakotay looked at her and laughed even more at her expression but he stopped when he saw a glint in her eyes, meaning she was embarrassed about being afraid and there was more too, something he couldn't read.  
  
"Really, Kathryn, you don't have to be embarrassed or ashamed over being afraid of horses" he said quickly, hoping he would put her at ease. Surprised, Kathryn looked first up at his face and then down in the grass, playing with a blade of grass. How would she be able to explain herself now? He had definitely seen that this went beyond her sudden fear of horses.  
  
"Kathryn, what is it? Something's troubling you and has been for awhile now, please, Kathryn let me in and help you" Kathryn continued to stare at the ground before and weight her words carefully. "I'm not only afraid of the horse, Chakotay" she said carefully, like she was testing the ice before she walked on it.  
  
"What's the other thing you're afraid of Kathryn?" Chakotay encouraged her, in a way saying the ice was strong enough for both of them. Kathryn took a deep breath and said the single word that almost broke Chakotay's heart. "You"  
  
Chakotay looked at her, baffled, feeling a storm beginning in his inner thoughts. "Me? Kathryn you know I would never hurt you or do anything that would cause harm intently to you" Or did she? Had he done something to doubt that? He shook his head, trying to convince himself as her. "Kathryn, I would rather die first before letting anyone hurt you"  
  
Kathryn gazed at him, she saw the inner fight and she knew that her words had hurt him. He was hurting like never before, ´cause of her. She felt her tears penetrating her eyes and spilling down her cheeks, a few tears that broke her strength and the wall around her.  
  
"Chakotay, please, I didn't mean like that, I just ..." she choked on her words, desperately seeking the right words. "I'm just afraid of losing you" She got up after her words and walked away, knowing she had definitely ruined this "friendly" night.  
  
"Kathryn, wait, please!" Chakotay jogged after her, stopping her with an arm on hers. "Kathryn, why didn't you tell me? I can't promise you I won't die tomorrow but I've told you once, why sacrificing a present for a future that will never come?"  
  
Kathryn stopped and stared up into the skies and then shifted her glare and settled it on the ocean. Was he right? Should she really doom herself to a life entirely without love and happiness just so she may spare herself from pain of losing someone in the future?  
  
"Kathryn, look at me" Chakotay asked. Kathryn starred even more intense at the ocean, was he right? Could she trust him to make the loneliness inside to go away if just for a moment?  
  
"Look at me" Chakotay said, this time it wasn't a suggestion, it was an order.  
  
Kathryn slowly turned around and locked her eyes with Chakotay's. His dark obsidian eyes, so dark and warrior like but at the same time, expressing so much love and tenderness it made her want to cry all over again.  
  
"Do you love me, Kathryn?" he asked, almost fearing the answer, even if he was fairly certain of it. But what if he was wrong? He didn't think he could survive that, he was so close now. It was evident that he had been the problem that had been troubling her and damn him if he couldn't help her. But the question where, was making her confess her feeling the answer?  
  
Kathryn's mind where working over time. What should or would she tell him? The truth? Well, if she considered all alternatives, the truth was the only option, since Chakotay would know if she lied. So, she would tell him the truth, but what was the truth? She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself, saying this wasn't the end of the world. But there where so many risks, what if the relationship didn't work out? Would she loose her best friend then?  
  
Finally she decided, damn her fears to hell! "Yes" she whispered.  
  
"Yes, I love you"  
  
Chakotay smiled and brought Kathryn closer to him, her head looking up at him, expectantly. Slowly he brought down his mouth on hers, their lips meeting in a soft and tender first kiss. They slowly explored each other and after some minutes Kathryn broke it, her mouth slightly open, trying to get some air.  
  
Suddenly she felt how tired she was and leaned forward on Chakotay, closing her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his heartbeat beating against her and the smell of him.  
  
"Come on, let's sit down, you're tired" Chakotay mumbled into her hair, his head resting gently on her head.  
  
He gently sat down, bringing Kathryn with him. She lied down and settled her head in his lap. He started to stroke her hair and then continued with untangle what the wind in his program had made a mess of. Kathryn closed her eyes and let her be caught in the wonderful feeling of his fingers in her hair, she let a smile on her face and she was sure Chakotay saw that it was the first real relaxed smile in a long time.  
  
Suddenly, she remembered something, something he had said earlier in her quarters and asked him about it. "Chakotay, what or who is Whirlaway?" she said, cracking a eye open, to look at him.  
  
Chakotay quickly hide his surprise, he hadn't realized he had said his thought aloud and even less that she had heard him. He then smiled secretly at her and started to explain. "I mentioned that I like the thoroughbred and horse racing" Chakotay began.  
  
"Whirlaway was a racing horse in the early and mid twentieth century. He was one of few horses who won a prestigious contest, called Triple Crown, a contest made up of three different and big horse races, Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes"  
  
Chakotay paused and continued to stroke her hair. Listening to her breath and then smiling when a frown crept itself onto her face, an indication showing she had noticed he had stopped talking. "Continue" she demanded and he did so.  
  
"A friend of mine told me about Whirlaway and he became my favourite, I liked him very much, you've got a see him, he's beautiful" he said. Kathryn smiled and shifted position in his lap. "But what does he have to do with me? You said his name just before you started talking to me" she finally asked, looking questioningly at him.  
  
"Hmm, that's a good question, I don't know why, but you suddenly reminded me of him. Well, you didn't really remind of him but I remembered his name as it seemed fitting for you" he said and looked at her wonderful face, who was in deep thought.  
  
Kathryn thought about his words, but she couldn't get why the name fit her? Whirlaway? No, she didn't get it. "And what is that supposed to mean, Chakotay? I don't understand" she said.  
  
"You tend to whirl away at the first time of trouble" he said as an explanation.  
  
"I absolutely do not!" she exclaimed.  
  
Chakotay chuckled. "Well, not on duty or anything concerning you ship but when it gets personal, you whirl away like a leave in the midst of fall." Chakotay said, his chuckling long gone, he looked seriously at her.  
  
"I do?" Kathryn asked unsure, slowly sitting up and turning back to meet Chakotay's gaze. Chakotay brought up a hand and traced her face gently. "Yes, Kathryn, you do. Because, that's you fear, of being hurt on a personal level, so when it comes to that, you run away from any possible pain" he said softly to her.  
  
Chakotay took her in his arms and hugged tightly, never wanting to let go. Finally he heard Kathryn's answer to his statement. "Chakotay" she whispered. "Will you help me not to do that any more and be Kathryn more?" Chakotay smiled at her and answered. "Yes, I will" he said just before he met her mouth halfway in their second kiss.  
  
The End  
  
Written between May and June 2003 


End file.
